Updates and Apologies

Hi Nerdlets! I am soo sorry I haven’t been on here for a while, but I’ve been out, you know, living my life.  Mostly the holidays kicked my ass, but then I started actually going out with people and it took up most of my time.  Again, I’m sorry to have abandoned all my nerdlets, but I’m sure you muddled through well enough without me. 🙂

So, the last time I was on here, I told you all about how I broke my own rule and gave out my REAL number when I was, well, we’ll just say not sober. It was justified at the time–dude pushed me into a window and kissed my brains out. I was hoping the kissing would get better with less alcohol. I was wrong, but we’ll get to that.

The date that came from this drunken night, my nerdlets, is what I will tell you about today.

I really, really, really shouldn’t have broken this rule. There’s a reason I made not giving my number out drunk a rule in the first place. I wasn’t thinking with my brain, I was thinking with beer! Here’s why:

I was so excited to go on this date. I love dating–it’s so fun to meet new people, and we all can use a little bit of work on our people skills and dating skills.  I had an outfit chosen for by a friend that highlighted curves and legs, but revealed little, and I strolled into the restaurant and had no idea who I was looking for. None. I had forgotten what the man looked like because of the, well, beer-goggles.  I found him sitting at the bar, after calling him like a total and unbelievable ass, and we moved to a table and started conversation.  It was nice to talk about who we are, where we come from, all that happy nonsense. But, I didn’t feel any kind of connection, mostly because he didn’t TALK! I had to ask him questions about his interests and all of that and prompt him to ask me questions.  That is definitely NOT what going on a date should be.  It should, again, be give and take, and a good date should have a conversation that doesn’t lag, or if it does, it’s easily filled with something else to talk about! I knew it wasn’t going well when I ordered a salad. It’s the go-to let’s-make-this-quick-so-I-can-get-home-to-my-yoga-pants meal. During the meal, I learned that he and I were totally incompatible, due to some legal issues and lack of education stuff, but I waited it out, gave the guy a chance.

In this guy’s defense, he did everything right.  He paid, even after I offered to go Dutch, he listened well, we walked around to some stores afterwards and he did date-like things (modeled a scarf on me, etc.), but I just felt nothing and like I was doing all the work.  By the end of the night, he would say things like “I don’t really like thinking about things like that” (meaning politics) and I got the ever so awesome, “Can you give me a ride home?” because of his past legal issues. Oy, it was an exhausting night for me, but I got a free meal and dating practice, right?

It was just a dud date, and I wanted to get him home and get myself home to yoga-pants-bliss, so I gave him a ride home.  When we were outside his place, even after the awkward night with stunted conversation, he leaned in for a kiss goodnight.  He gets points for not hesitating on the lean-in, but he loses all points (and I might have lost some IQ points) for the horrible kiss I was forced to partake in. Seriously, he might be the worst kiss I’ve ever had.  I mean, I should have expected this; it wasn’t that great outside the bar, but I have learned, friends, that not everything changes with less alcohol. Okay, here’s why the kiss was so awful.  There are rules for first kisses, which I’ve talked about before.  First kisses should be soft and lovely, not shove your tongue down the other person’s throat (literally) and DEFINITELY NOT A LIP-NIBBLE.  Definitely. Not. Lip nibbles should be saved for sex, or preludes to sex, (which this definitely wasn’t), and you can spread shit with lip nibbles. STIs, I mean. It was very uncomfortable, so uncomfortable in fact that I laughed. Really. In his face. I might be a horrible person, but I have a feeling if you had been there, you would have laughed too.

Alas, I am still single and definitely not dating this guy.  We parted ways, texted a couple times after this, and, awesomely, ran into each other on the bus and had an awkward conversation where I called every number in my phone until someone picked up so as to avoid continuing the conversation.  Oh well, can’t blame us crazy kids for trying. But oh my DAMN, this was a dud date.

So, tips to come from this delightful interlude.

1. Talk to your date, even if you aren’t feeling anything.  Who knows? Maybe you’ll feel something with a more animated conversation.

2. Do what feels right.  You don’t have to pay if you don’t want to or can’t afford it.  If your date offers to pay for half, they mean it (and if they don’t, they are shallow and don’t deserve you).

3. Do not, under any circumstances, shove your tongue down your date’s throat on a first kiss (even if have you drunkenly kissed them before) and NEVER lip nibble.  First kisses should be soft and new.  If they go to a passionate place, it should be eased into, not forced on someone.

4. Keep on dating, nerdlets. We learn something every time.  😉

I won’t stay away for so long again. Cross my heart. x

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I Broke My Own Rule: A (potentially) Romantic Monday Post

So, Nerdlets, I now have proof that sometimes, all dating advice has to be thrown out the window and a person has to follow their gut.  I broke my own rule.  And here’s the story.

I was at the club recently, and I was dancing all night, so by bar-close, I was a sweaty, disgusting mess (literally.  There was a tiny little tyrant on the dance floor who kept looking at me and saying “work it!” and I didn’t know what “it” was, but I sure as hell tried!).  I did what any rational girl used to colder weather would do, I walked outside without my coat and immediately took off my heeled boots and socks.  Now, it was somewhere around 30 degrees or so, but I felt perfectly fine, and as I was walking with my friend to my car (I had not been drinking, really, and was nowhere near drunk) I got stopped by a guy.  He was not my usual type, I tend to go for tall and skinny, but he was persistent, and we fell into conversation.  Now he had had more than a few, but I sincerely enjoy screwing with drunk people, so I started questioning him on everything from his views on life to his heritage. I’m an extremely fast talker and I’m pretty witty and smart (if I do say so myself) and this guy’s drunkenness couldn’t keep up with me (so says my friend and I), but despite his inebriation and my mind-fucking, he was gentlemanly.  He slipped my coat on my shoulders when I started to shiver without realizing it, and he told his friend to treat me like a lady when his friend was teasing me (little does this guy know that I’m a lot of things, but I’m definitely not a lady 🙂 )  Now, this man would not let me walk away, and I was about to give him a fake number, when he grabbed me, lightly pushed me into a window of the club, and kissed me.  That changed my tune. Apparently all I need is the thrill that comes with a little bit of force, and I’m a goner (Now, not all women are like this, and if I had said no and this guy had persisted, I would have given my friend the signal to get me out of there, screamed loud enough to draw a crowd, or clocked him and walked away.  Remember, a tiny amount of force only works on those who actually want it. If your partner doesn’t want it, respect that and move on).  So I gave this guy my real number and we are going out this week.

He seemed very nice when we were talking and he was sober, so I guess we’ll see what comes of me breaking my own rules. I figure there are enough outs to get this guy off my back if he turns out to be a creeper (remember, numbers can be blocked, last names shouldn’t be given out right away, and always take the long way home in case you are followed by the creeper, and creepers can be any gender).  And hey, it’s a date, not a marriage.  It was an interesting night, though, so hopefully another interesting night is in my future! Wish me luck!

Mating Rituals, or Why We’re All Screwed

So, here’s the thing: dating might just possibly be the worst, most awkward experience anyone has ever had to deal with.  Your palms sweat, you get the butterflies in your stomach, you say the wrong thing, you can’t stop staring a certain part of the other person’s anatomy, your brain moves two seconds too slowly.  Sometimes, I feel like I’m talking through sand when I try to approach someone, like I’m having some kind of out-of-body experience.  Now, some people are really good at dating, really good at knowing exactly what to say when, and, personally, I think those people are rare and possibly a little bit scary.  More often, there are people like me, and probably you, who just suck at the whole experience.  Some people might call it insecurity; some people might call it lack of social skills.  I prefer to call it normal.  It’s absolutely normal to suck at dating, to suck at connecting to a stranger because so many of us have a select group of people we talk to on a regular basis and limited contact with strangers.  Especially sober.

But here’s why: we live in a society that not only says that the most important person in the world is yourself and promotes selfishness, but also keeps the genders entirely separate.  Still in our twenties and thirties, we act as if we are at a middle school dance, where the boys are on one side of the gym, the girls are on the other, and only a daring few will cross the basketball lines etched into the wooden floor to ask someone to dance.  The bar scene is eerily similar to a middle school dance–girls dance together and guys generally watch from the sidelines. Seriously, the only difference between adult daters and middle school daters (hopefully) is the advent of alcohol-induced courage.  With this courage, men feel like they can get any person in the room, women feel like, finally, they are desireable and able to make the first move.  Be honest, we’ve all done things and said things and taken items of clothing off of our bodies while blitzed. “Take a shot, man, then you can go get some!” a man says to a friend at the bar who is about to approach an attractive young woman on the dance floor. I’ve said, and heard several other women say, “I’m so shy most of the time, but get a few drinks in me, and I’ll talk to anybody (with or without clothing).” Reading just these two examples, can you see how alcoholic dating doesn’t generally foster long-term or meaningful relationships?  Because this is how it goes: men and women go to the bar, men and women proceed to drink their body weight in alcohol, men meet women/women meet men (or any variant in between), they seem to hit it off, go home together, have consensual sex (if neither party passes out or becomes afflicted with a whiskey dick), hopefully reach some kind of orgasm, and pass out.  Now in the morning, one of three things can happen: 1) One party sneaks out early and forgets the night ever happened, 2) Both parties part ways satisfied that they will never see each other again, or 3) In order to fill a loneliness within (and not feel like a floozy or philanderer, god forbid), the parties decide to try to form a relationship based on one night of booze-induced sexual haze. Only rarely does option 3 end well, and that’s why I’m here to help.

This blog really is for all the little Nerdlets in the corner, all the people who actively want to pursue a relationship but just don’t know how to begin.  Now, dating sites take away a lot of these little intricacies that make dating scary, but they also take away a lot of the appeal and the interesting aspects of dating.  How do I approach a person?  Can I approach just anywhere or only in specific places?  What if I get rejected?  What do I say? How do I express my interest without sounding like a creepy stalker? What if we have nothing in common?  When should I make the move towards the bedroom? Personally, I think a major part of dating isn’t reading a list of what the person makes a year and what that person’s interests are, but finding out in person.  True, you might find more people who are incompatible, but think of the life experiences you’ll miss out on.  This blog will also focus on some of our societally induced habits of dating and how detrimental they can be for the eventual happiness in personal and professional relationships.  What should you do when you go on a date with someone a friend has feelings for?  What the hell is the “Bro Code” anyway?  Why don’t I ever get a second date when I don’t call for days after the first?  All of these are merely teasers for what’s in store, and I’m always open to more suggestions about different areas of dating I haven’t covered yet.

Now, when I titled this “How to Date Sober,” I didn’t mean stone-cold sober.  If, for whatever reason, you don’t drink, good for you, I sincerely hope this blog helps you find someone to care about based on the tricks, tips, and knowledge I have gained through various life experiences.  If you drink only a few and can form rational and coherent thought, then I wouldn’t consider you drunk. A good rule of thumb for deciding whether or not you have beer goggles on is to gauge how nervous you are during the approach. With or without one or two drinks, you should still feel a few nerves when approaching someone.  Those nerves signal that you are still alive, still able to feel like a pimply faced teenager trying get the cutest boy/girl to look you in the eye, smile, and say “Hi.” That feeling of mind-numbing terror will tell you whether or not you’re doing it right.